~ Bill's ~ Friday ~ Funnies ~

Top Ten New Trading Symbols for Research in Motion befitting their future outlook

2012-01-27T07:35:00.001-06:00

Don't get me wrong - I love my Blackberry and what Research in Motion has done for technology in Canada but I think the wheels have fallen off the good ship RIM and they need arightin'. The promotion of Thorsten Heins from COO to CEO looks just the opposite of "Bold" as RIM's twitter feed purports it to be.

So while RIM stock goes down faster than an Olympic downhill skier - here are the Top Ten new trading symbols RIM should switch to:

10. GRIM

9. RIP (as in Ripoff or Rest In Peace)

8. RUM (what you need to drink to invest in this stock)

7. DIM

6. OHNO!

5. OOPS

4. G'LUCK (you'll need it)

3. LMAO (as in Losing My Assets Off)

2. RIB (what it'll cost you to invest)

And the #1 new trading Symbol for Research in Motion is:

1. MSFT.B (or AMZN.B , NOK.B depending on what takeover rumor you believe)

Happy Friday

~Friday~Funnies~For January 6th Top 10 Similes for patching the roof

2012-01-06T07:05:00.004-06:00

So with the warm weather in Saskatchewan we discovered a leak in the roof -fortunately it was to the outside soffit (I think that it what it is called?)but I figured I better patch it before it happens inside. So I went down to the hardware store for some roof tar and got up on the roof and started applying a generous amount of roof tar to the leaky spots. How much stuff did I put on? Well it was like . . .

Top 10 Similes for patching the roof

10. A redneck slathering butter on a corncob.

9. Ketchup on burnt meatloaf.

8. Oil on a seagull in the Gulf of Mexico.

7. A Teenager putting on aftershave on prom night.

6.Tears on my pillow after the Canucks lost to the Bruins in the Stanley Cup final last June.

5. Paparazzi on a Kardashian.

4. A politician making campaign promises.

3. A kid putting sugar on bran flakes.

2. Gold chains on a Rap star.

1. Snow on the prairies!

Happy Friday!

Top 10 things you can do with a stolen truckload of 5000 Blackberry Playbooks

2011-12-23T19:08:00.002-06:00

10. Trade them for 1 iPad.

9. Put them in a Museum of oddities with the Edsel, Aztec, De Lorean and Lisa Computer

8. Put Apple logos on them and sell them in 3rd world countries

7. Use them to get a ride across town on the bus*

6. Sell them with bubble gum just like they used to do with hockey cards

5. Trade them for about 5 Million shares in Research in Motion

4. Use them to claim the prize of World's Unluckiest Criminal.

3. Unbox them and take the cardboard to the recycling center for 2cents a pound.

2. Sell $10 raffle tickets for 5000 Ipads and then when the winner comes to claim his prize give him a refund for his ticket.

1.Trade them for a truck load of Saskatchewan Roughrider jerseys.

*This assumes that there was a bus token stuck between two of the playbooks.

~Friday~Funnies~Top Ten ways to get to a resolution in the the Phoenix Coyotes Bankruptcy case

2009-09-10T20:30:00.007-06:00

Not so long ago in a desert not so far away Judge Redfield T. Baum shocked the courtroom in the Phoenix Coyotes Bankruptcy preceedings by saying he might choose neither the NHL's bid or Blackberry Billionaire Balsillie's bid (yes, I am a sucker for alliteration) for the troubled NHL Franchise. Obviously they need some help to get things done down there so here are:

The Top Ten ways to get to a resolution in the Phoenix Coyotes bankruptcy case:

10. Move all the Hamiltonians to Phoenix. (Hey, It might be cheaper at this rate!)

9. Make the NHL promise to implement the Top Ten Ways the Phoenix Coyotes can stretch their finances.

8. Make Jim Balsillie give everyone involved a free blackberry.

7. Get Barack Obama to annex Hamilton, Ontario as part of the United States, then Gary Bettman could say he is not putting a team in Canada.

6. Make it snow in Phoenix - that way people won't have anything else to do but watch hockey.

5. Make Jim Balsillie show Gary Bettman how to read email on his blackberry.

4. Tell Federal Reserve Chairmen Benjamin Bernanke that the Coyotes are actually a bank and they need bailout money.

3. Move the courtroom to Glendale arena so they can charge tickets for this sideshow. They would probably sell more tickets than the Coyotes!

2. Make the Phoenix Cardinals football team move back to St. Louis so their is less competition for fans.

1. Make the Judge actually watch the games from last year - then he will for sure let them go to Hamilton!

Happy Friday everyone! Good luck to Baum, Balsillie and Bettman!

Top Ten Signs you had a good vacation

2009-08-24T15:18:00.004-06:00

With September almost here it is a good time to reflect on our summer ( if you can call it that). So to help you along here are:

The Top Ten signs you had a good vacation:

10.Your students look ready for the first day of school.

9.You ate something you couldn't pronounce.

8. You had to speak spanish or french.

7. You forgot you worked for a pointy haired boss.

5. You didn't ride a tractor all day.

4. You don't know the reigning jeopardy champion.

3.Your spouse actually wants to keep you home.

2.You had to get shots 6 months before hand. . . and no shots AFTER you got back.

1. You got lei'd ( you know . . . Hawaii . . . Flowers . . . why what did you think I meant?)

Happy Friday everyone!

~Friday~Funnies~for August 7th Top Ten Names for the new NHL Franchise in Hamilton

2009-08-07T08:50:00.001-06:00

In the ongoing saga of Jim Balsillies bid to buy the Phoenix Coyotes and move them to the hockey hotbed of Hamilton Ontario, Phoenix bankruptcy court judge Redfield T. Baum (that's gotta be a stage name) has allowed Jim Balsillie's (Co-founder or Research in Motion) bid to stand even though the NHL Board of Governors has just voted to reject Balsillie as an owner (the unspoken reason being spite). So maybe I am jumping the gun a little bit but I thought Jim should have at least some options ready for when (if?) he gets approved to move the team. So here are . . .

The Top Ten Names for the New NHL Franchise in Hamilton Ontario:

10. Hamilton Hahas ( because you're gonna laugh when you see them play the first couple of years)

9. Hamilton Roadrunners (Roadrunner always got the best of the Coyote right?)

8. Hamilton Handmedowns (which is what they are going to get from all the other NHL teams)

7. Hamilton Hondas (Guess who the team sponsor would be?)

6. Hamilton Halloween Horrors (because it'll be a bloodbath on the scoreboard when other teams come to town)

5. Hamilton Hitch Hikers (since these guys are the players that get bounced around from team to team)

4. Hamilton Heavenly Heroes ('cause Heaven help them when the finally start playing)

3. Hamilton Huckleberries (they are owned by the maker of Blackberries after all)

2. Hamilton Hulks (Don't make the angry - you wouldn't like them when their angry)

1. Hamilton Horsemen of the Apocalypse (because if Gary Bettman has his way it'll be the end of the world before a team plays in Southern Ontario)

Happy Friday Everyone!

PS - Do you know someone going back to school and looking to buy a laptop? Here is an article I wrote to help students save some money on the way back to school: Top 4 MUST SEE sites BEFORE you buy your back to school computer

~Friday~Funnies~Top Ten Ways we can break the population record in Saskatchewan

2009-06-26T08:21:00.005-06:00

Today's Friday Funnies come courtesy of listening to John Gormley live earlier this week and he mentioned that the government has just published the latest population numbers for Saskatchewan: 1,027,000 people! Which is only 5000 people off of the 1987 high of 1,032,000. We all love to break records don't we? So here are the Top Ten Ways we can break the population record in Saskatchewan. . .

10.Build the Nuclear Power Plant in Saskatchewan with built in down times for more power outages. Then just wait nine months.

9. Step 1->Emit more carbon - > ~~Global Warming~~ er climate change - > shorter winters in Saskatchewan!

8. Hype the fact that Michael Ignatieff has never lived in Saskatchewan. (yes, I lean a little to the right)

7. Change our name to 'Caalifornia' to attract people who can't spell - just like Cyber Squatters!

6. Give away a free snow blower with every home purchase!

5. Offer free daycare to 'Octo-mom' and Kate Gosselin. (then the Papparazzi will follow them and we can count them too!)

4.Advertise to Torontonians that we NEVER have garbage strikes. . . What?? We did?? When was that? Was I under a rock or something?

3.Advertise that when ~~Global Warming~~ er climate change happens and the polar ice caps melt that Saskatchewan is landlocked and will get flooded last!

2. Tell everyone it's just like Corner Gas but without the commercials.

1. Put Dwain Lingenfelter and his over zealous volunteer in charge of signing up new citizens for Saskatchewan. (OK so I lean a lot to the right :-)

Happy Friday everyone! Enjoy your free funny top ten list!

~Friday~Funnies~Top Ten Automated Out of Office replies

2009-06-19T08:16:00.004-06:00

With summer vacation coming up I am sure we will all be seeing a lot more Out of Office replies - wouldn't it be great* to see some of these on a lazy friday afternoon in the summer? Or maybe use some of these?

10. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

9. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

8. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

7. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

6. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

4. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. (Tempting to use this one for helpdesk tickets :-)

3. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

2. I've run away to join a different circus.(Like maybe that Circus called 'Jon and Kate Plus 8'?)

1. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Stacey' instead of Stan.

I wish I could take credit for these but I have to tip my hat to http://toddand.com/2008/08/09/top-10-out-of-office-auto-replies/ for this one!

Happy Friday everyone!

* This email is in no way an endorsement for actually trying any of these Auto Replies. User takes full responsibility if they are foolish enough to try any of these.

Bill

~Friday~Funnies~ Japanese banks puns

2009-06-12T08:41:00.005-06:00

American banks are not doing so good in this economic crisis but Japanese banks are doing
worse!

The Origami bank has folded, the Sumo bank has gone belly up, shares in
the Kamikaze bank took a nose dive before they crashed and burned and
shares in Karaoke bank could be had for a song.
The Godzilla bank was down citing monster write downs and Kimono Bank
was losing money no matter how the accountants dressed it up. The Bonsai bank had to trim branches to save money and at the Karate Bank several employees got chopped.

And lastly the media think something fishy is going on at Sushi bank
where the employees are expected to get a raw deal.

Happy Friday! (Thanks to readers digest for the inspiration)
--------------------------
Sent using BlackBerry

~Friday~Funnies~Swine Flu Public Service Announcement

2009-05-29T08:32:00.006-06:00

Press Release from a hamlet in the Hamburg health region:

RE- H1N1 Influenza

There has been a lot of media reports regarding the severity of the H1N1 Influenza virus which has made some people are scared like-it's the Bay of Pigs all over again. We would like to reassure you that most of the news is a lot of hogwash. If you do go see the doctor don't be pig-headed about it or ham it up when they are looking at your symptoms. While it is true that some doctors will give out oinkment if you break out in rashers or your skin has a strange pigmentation in most cases nothing can be done - dr's can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear you know and you would just be casting your pearls before swine. In fact they would be happy as a pig in mud if you didn't come in at all.

Our advice is if contracting H1N1 will prevent you from bringing home the bacon try to put some money in your piggy bank so you don't end up in hock. Also try relaxing: throw the pigskin around, take a spin on your Hawg, or if you live in a pig-sty clean it up, eat lots of comfort food (such as piggies in a blanket, pork rinds,back bacon, etc) - just don't pig out or hog all the food. And dont' believe all the emails you read about swine flu - it is probably just spam.

Th-th-that's all folks!

~Friday~Funnies~Top Ten ways the Conversion Team made their 'Go decision'

2009-05-22T12:32:00.004-06:00

Well, what a week we have had since the eroworks conversion! It is my understanding that it was a really tough decision* to go ahead with the conversion and they had to use all the resources at their disposal. . . including some unusual ones. . .

Top Ten Resources used by the Conversion Team to make the 'Go decision' Last weekend

10. Magic 8 Ball said 'Outlook is good'

9. Figured with all the snow nothing else could go wrong.

8. Asked themselves "What would Captain Kirk do? "

7. Saying no would have made MR. CEO miss his Tee time.

6. Advice was favorable from the Psychic Hotline (Side Note - How come you never see the headlines -Psychic wins lottery?)

5. Inspired by Rocky music - figured they could take on anything.

4. Played Bunny Bingo and won.

3. Asked themselves "What would Bill Gates do?"

2. Planets were in line.

1. Go? What do you mean 'Go'? We said No!

Happy Friday Everyone!

* In actuality, last weekend the conversion went so smooth that it was very easy for the team to decide to go ahead. They even made the call ahead of schedule. Way to go Team!

~Friday~Funnies~Top Ten Symptoms for flu's eerily similar to the swine flu

2009-05-01T21:05:00.003-06:00

The 'Swine Flu' has been in the news a lot lately but here in Saskatchewan you are more likely to get Canuck fever than Swine Flu (at least I hope!). But here are some symptoms of flu's other than the Swine Flu that you should watch out for:

10. You went for wing night at the bar and can't remember how you got home (this is a symptom of the wine flu)

9. You treat women badly. (This is the Chauvinist Pig Flu)( right Sheila?)

8. If thou hast the urgeth to speaketh unto olde English - you have the Thine Flu.

7. You feel the urge to use cheesy pick-up lines ( 'what's your sign? flu')

6. You feel the urge to karate chop a board with your head ( Kung Flu )

5. You must wear a Fez and go to a convention.(Shrine(r)'s flu)

4. You won the President's trophy but get your lunch handed to you by an 8th place team ('this is the Spine(less)' flu or aka Shark Flu)

3. The Toronto Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup last year (Oh wait. . . that's when pig's flew NOT flu)

2. Need to wear cowboy shirts with fake jewelrey (Rhine(stone) Flu )

1. You cannot remember how to do trigonometry . . . wait for it . . . the 'sine flu').

Happy Friday everyone!

PS - Happy Birthday Wifey!

~Friday~Funnies~ Special Vancouver Canucks Bandwagon Edition

2009-04-30T09:15:00.005-06:00

Since the Vancouver Canucks are now the only Canadian team left in the play-offs I would like to welcome the rest of Canada onto the Canucks' bandwagon. To make sure you don't look like a Canuck Fan Newbie here are the Top Ten things you need to know to fit in with regular Canuck fans:

10. Playoff beards are optional (if you're a girl!)

9 The unofficial name for the Canucks' logo is the 'birthing whale'

8. Swedish Twins are not a myth.

7. When driving around town after a win the proper direction is to go from East to West so that the wind catches your car flag properly

6 Goat Canucks Goat ( started by students from My almamater - UCFV)

5. Don't worry we can't tell the twins Henrik and Daniel Sedin a part either.

4 If you do not have an offical white towel you are allowed to use regular towels ( as long as they are white). (see here for the history of Towel Power)

3 When you here people say 'Bobby Lu' they mean Roberto Luongo.

2 Na na na na hey hey by the Nylons is the official theme song.

1 You can bring your Canuck Bandwagon membership fee directly to me :-)

Happy Cheering! Game on at 7:00 on CBC.

~Friday~Funnies~Top Ten new 'proverbs' for our new economy

2009-04-24T13:37:00.004-06:00

Maybe I have been reading too many investment articles but it seems this ongoing economic crisis keeps providing me with more material for the Friday Funnies. So I was thinking on the economic crisis when it struck me! No the economic crisis didn't strike me, I was struck by the idea that some of our old proverbs just don't fit anymore . . . so here are "Top Ten New proverbs for the economic crisis:

10. A Penny saved is . . .what you get in interest on most savings accounts.

9. Talk is cheap . . . almost as cheap as Nortel and GM shares.

8. Knowing is half the battle. . . but so is losing.

7. History repeats itself.

6. History repeats itself.

5. A person is known by the company he keeps . . . so hold onto your finance stocks and telco's for dividends

4. Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all . . .unless you loved oil stocks last summer

3. A man's home is his castle . . . cold and dark because he can't pay his heat or electricity

2. When the going gets tough . . you get bailed out by the government if you are a big bank or automaker.

1. Ask not what you can do for your country but 'What has my country done to me?'

Happy Friday Everyone!

Typing Exercises

2009-04-11T11:21:00.004-06:00

Here at the ~Friday~Funnies~ we are not just about making people ROFL - we are also about education. So here is an educational video for an important yet neglected part of our daily lives: exercises for typing performed by a Grade 4 student:

Enjoy and always remember: do not try typing until 45 Minutes after you have eaten!

~Friday~Funnies~ Top Ten worser ways AIG could have spent their bonus money

2009-03-20T13:25:00.005-06:00

Good morning everyone, as I am sure most of you have heard by now the American company AIG spent $165 million on executive bonuses after taking $170 Billion (yes Billion with a 'B') from the American Federal Government to bail them out. You know it must be really bad when the most powerful man in the world, President Barack Obama speaks out against the bonuses

But I maintain that it could have been worse for AIG (which stands for Arrogance, Incompentance and Greed by the way). So here are the Top Ten worser ways AIG could have spent their bonus money:

10 They could have used the money trying to make a come back for the 8 track cassette tape.

9 They could have funded a re-elect George Bush for President Campaign.

8 They could have funded a 'weekend retreat' for their executives to get away from the pressure of the markets. (Oh wait, they did that already :-(

7 They could have used the money to fund organized crime (Hmm, maybe that wouldn't have been worse. . .)

6 They could have used the money to fund their pet ecological climate theory "Global Cooling"

5 They could have spent the money on a advertising campaign that made turkeys fly out of helicopters

4 They could have given the money to Leone Helmsley's Dog.

3 They could have funded spammers or telemarketers or some other scum-of-the-earth-bother-you-without-your-permission-type of people.

2 They could have bet it all on the Toronto Maple Leafs making the playoffs in 2009.

1 The could have invested in their own stock derivatives! (Then they would have been sure to completely blow their money.)

Happy Friday!
Happy First Day of Spring ( yeah I couldn't tell either)

BHappy Bill

For more Friday Funnies check out http://funnytoptens.blogspot.com/

Top ten good news and bad news scenarios. . .

2009-03-06T08:38:00.006-06:00

With the NHL Trading Deadline this past week there has been a flurry of activity in the NHL which produced this quote:

" I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're going to be playing tonight.The bad news is that you're going to be playing for the other team." - Philadelphia Flyers GM Paul Holmgren to Glen Metropolit, who was traded to the Montreal Canadiens between the morning skate and game time.

So in the same spirit here are some more good news bad news scenarios:

Good News: You are a Toronto Maple Leafs fan.

Bad News: Ooops - that's the bad news. There is no good news on this one.

8. Good News: You have lost 20 pounds in the past week!

Bad News: You lost them at a racetrack in England. :-(

7. Good News:
You had a wonderful dream you won a contest for eating the world's biggest marshmellow.

Bad News: You wake up and your pillow is missing :-(

6. Good News: Saskatchewan was featured on CNN as a good place to work and live.

Bad News: Now every Yankee and their dog is going to want to move here:-( (at least until the winter!)

5. Good News:
You just called 911 and the police are answering your call.

Bad News: They are coming to give you a ticket and fine because you called them to complain that McDonalds wouldn't refund your money for your chicken nuggets:-( (True story).

4.Good News:
Your shares of Potash Corporation are up to $88.53 from their 52week low of $61.81

Bad News: You bought your shares at the 52 week high of $246.29 (Ouch!)

3. Good News:
Your fresh, showered, dressed, and ready for work at 8:25AM

Bad News: It's Saturday.

Good News:
You just got a $250,000,000,000 tip. Bad News: It's in Zimbabwe Dollars :-(
2. Good News:
You just shot your first hole in one!

Bad News: You lost your ball on the hole with the windmill. :-(

1.Good News:
You look outside, the sun is shining, the temperature has climbed to +5 Celsius, the snow is almost gone.

Bad News: It's Canada Day :-(

Happy Friday Everyone!

~Friday~Funnies~for February 27th 2009 Top ten ways you can tell the bank has been robbed by a computer geek

2009-03-02T12:28:00.007-06:00

Top Ten ways you can tell your bank has been robbed by a computer geek:

10. He has tape holding his mask together in the middle.

9. He can't help but check his blackberry/iphone while they are getting the money.

8. The weapon he is used is a light sabre.

7. He also steals their Dilbert Calendar.

6. His getaway vehicle was a segway.

5. As he was leaving he waved his hand in a circle and said 'I am not the robber you are looking for.'

4. He warned them his 'Phaser' was set to 'Kill' instead of 'Stun'.

3. The Note was written in Elvish.

2. The robbers got into an argument about which one got to be Mr. Anderson

1. Note was written on the back of his failed dot-com business plan.

~Friday~Funnies~for February the 13th Public Service Announcement for Alberta and BC

2009-02-13T16:14:00.006-06:00

ATCO Electric, EPCOR Inc, and ENMAX Power Corp. are warning their customers in Alberta that rotating winter power blackouts are expected to occur on:

* Feb 21
* Feb 24
* Feb 26 and
* Feb 28

This is a province wide alert.

The lack of power seems to consistently occur just after 8 pm on
Saturday or 7 pm weekdays and is attributed to the excessive power
required to run the goal judge light behind the Oilers' net.

Sincerely,

Alberta Ministry of Service

-------------

In similar fashion -there is also a blackout warning from BC Hydro for the Greater Vancouver
Regional District for Sunday, Feb 15th. The Canucks play the Canadiens
and they need the extra power for the goal judge light as well - but it
is for the visiting teams' net!

Go Canucks Go!

NHL Video Highlights

2009-02-08T11:05:00.003-06:00

The NHL recently announced that you can now see every NHL goal scored for the past 4 years.

In related news, the Toronto Maple Leafs announced that you can still download all of their teams' goals on to one 3 1/2 inch floppy Disk!

Go Canucks Go!

~Friday~Funnies~Ecomomic Crisis Logos

2009-02-05T20:49:00.025-06:00

I got these in an email this week from our broker. . . Thanks Mike!

____________________________________________________________________

This is what various logos will look like when the economic crisis is over.

~Friday~Funnies~Top Ten things harder to do than being on the eroWorks Conversion Team

2009-01-22T20:50:00.012-06:00

After watching and talking with the conversion team I am very glad not to be on it: That is some hard work! But look on the bright side conversion team: it could be worse - You could be trying to do one of these:

Top 10 things that are harder to do than the eroworks conversion:(yes, there are 10!)

10 Coaching (or cheering for) those darn Canucks! Will they ever win again on home ice?

9 Mr. CEO's Dance Instructor.

8 Person in charge of making Sarah Palin look smart.

7 Stock Broker (Right Mr Broker? As Margaret Thatcher once said "The problem with being a stock broker is that eventually you run out of other people's money" . . .or something like that)

6 Blowing out all of the candles on Mrs. Teller's birthday cake (Happy 40th birthday NM!)

5 Lasting a year as a Saskatchewan Roughriders QB (Just ask Kerry Joseph, Henry burris, Michael Bishop, Darian Durant, Stephen Jyles, or Dalton Bell)

4 Mickey Rourke's mirror (have you seen those ad's for The Wrestler? Yikes!)

3 Life Insurance Agent at a Zombie Convention.

2 Jumpstarting the world's economy (good luck with that Barack!)

1 Doing Tech Support for Mr Loans Manager!

Happy Friday everyone!

~Friday~Funnies~ for January 2nd 2009 Top 10 Super Hero New Years' Resolutions

2009-01-17T11:18:00.008-06:00

Happy New Year everyone! Here's to starting the new year with a laugh!

Top 10 Super Hero New Years' Resolutions:

10. The Incredible Hulk - To finally take Anger Management Classes

9. Aquaman - To hire a new PR guy so he is not known only as "the guy
who talks to fish"

8. The Green Lantern - To finally upgrade his lantern to more
environmentally friendly LEDs

7. Superman - To not fall for the Kryptonite-hidden-in-the-lead-box
trick again!

6. Justice League - To sell the naming rights to the Hall of Justice to
raise money for the 'Widows and Orphans Fund'

5. Robin - To strike out on his own and write a tell all autobiography:
"My secret life with Batnutcase"

4. Iron Man - To finally make his move on the Invisible Girl from the
Fantastic Four

3. Batman - to finally teach Superman how to use email on the Justice
League Computer

2. Wonder Woman - To convert the invisible jet to cheaper diesel fuel.

1. Batman - To find the jerk who put the "Bats do it at night"
bumpersticker on the Batmobile

~Friday~Funnies~Top Ten alternative slogans for the town of Tisdale

2009-01-17T11:10:00.008-06:00

So I got to thinking that 2009 might be a good time for Tisdale to
rethink their slogan "Land of Rape and Honey" to something less . . um
. . loaded with double meaning. :-) So here are:

My Top 10 alternative slogans for the town of Tisdale:

10. Corner Gas? We don't have to watch - we lived it!

9. The Land to escape the Bunny.

8. Eat here and get gas.

7. Home of the world's largest Honey-bee-that-really-looks-like-a-wasp.*

6. Tisdale: where you're only a stranger once. . . because once you
visit here you won't ever come back!

5.Hakuna MaTisdale.

4.The land where the crepe's are runny.

3.The-town-with-the-chicken-throwing-prankster.

2. Here we grow a grain.

1. Tisdale: Home of the Funniest Butt in Canada!

* The honour of world's largest honey bee actually goes to Fahler,
Alberta http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Falher,_Alberta.

~Friday~Funnies~Top Ten Things the Phoenix Coyotes can do to stretch their finances:

2009-01-16T10:32:00.003-06:00

So a lot of rumours have been going around about the Phoenix Coyotes NHL club not making it to the end of the season because they are in deep, deep financial trouble. They have been losing in the neighbourhood of $35 Million for years and are now so deep into their $80 Million line of credit that they had to ask the NHL for an advance of their share of the league TV revenue. (Could you imagine trying to collect on that baby!?).

So here are the Top 10 Things the Coyotes can do to stretch their finances:

10. Make the players share sticks.
9. Break into people's houses and cut off their air conditioning so people look for somewhere cold. 8. Replace the Zamboni with a guy using a spray bottle and a squeegee
6. Replace players paycheques with autographed picture of Wayne Gretzky
5. Insult the President to gain more publicity (Hey it worked for Kanye West)
4. Rent out the arena for weddings and barmitzphas. . . during the game.
3. Ask fans to throw back pucks when they go into the stands.
2. Change their name to the Cardinals to trick people into buying tickets
1. Get the players to go door to door selling chocolates like they used to do in elementary school!

Happy Friday everyone!

PS - If you were thinking number 1 should have been move back to Winnipeg there is a flaw - they are currently stuck in a 30 year lease! Yikes!

~Friday~Funnies~Top Ten things to do when the System Teller has lost it's brains

2008-11-25T20:22:00.003-06:00

Computers are wonderful things. . . when they do what they are supposed to do. When they don't, well then they are just a pain in the neck and you wish we still used pencils and paper. You gotta have a little chuckle though when someone describes the problem as the computer has "lost it's brains". So just in case this ever happens to you here are the Top Ten things you should do if the computer loses it's brains again*:

10. Make an animal sacrifice to appease those responsible.

9. When people call in to complain put them on hold and play 'Don't Worry Be Happy!" by Bobby McFerrin

8. Go to Wal-Mart to buy more brains. (They have everything don't they?)

7. Invite the Computer into the boardroom and then after a lengthy chewing out process yell "You're Fired!"

6. Kick the computer you are working at (it won't help but it'll make you feel better)

5. Crawl into the fetal position and repeat " I love my computer and my computer loves me. " until you feel better or the problem goes away whichever comes first.

4. Think Happy thoughts (but stay away from the "Pixie Dust" until 5:01PM)

3. Console customer's that this problem is nothing compared to what they lost in their pension plans.

2. Take the rest of the day off. (Hey if the computer is not working why should I?)

1. Blame your pointy-haired Boss!

Happy Green, Payday Friday! And Go Riders!!

*Do NOT try any of these things without the express written permission from your immediate supervisor, your area manager, the board of directors, your insurance agent, your area techie, your spouse and Bill Gates.

~Friday~Funnies~Top 10 list for Friday July 25th 2008

2008-07-25T11:20:00.000-06:00

Whew! What a week for the IT department! A new referral system . . . lighting storms. . . new computers and monitors . . . It's enough to make an IT person go on holidays (which I am next week). But I have been giving some serious thought (as I always do for the Friday Funnies) to hiring another IT person to help us out. But not just any person can become a Systems Analyst ... no there are special requirements... 10 of them in fact....

The Top 10 requirements for a new Systems Analyst

10. He/she refers to the days of using a 2800 baud modem to surf
bulletin boards as "The good ol' days".

9. Has seen The Matrix 10 times minimum.

8. Proudly wears a USB key on a chain around his/her neck.

7. Drinks more coffee before 9 am than most people do all day.

6. His/her password has more weird characters than a Quentin Tarantino movie.

5. You tell him/her: "There are 10 kinds of people in this world. . . . . .those who understand binary numbers and those who don't" and he/she actually laughs.

4. His/her most prized possession is a framed picture of Dilbert which he/she keeps on top of his/her desk.

3. Can install software without getting the Google Toolbar.

2. Has at least 1 dot matrix printer and/or CRT monitor in his/her basement.

1.Can answer a pointy haired boss' computer questions without laughing . . . or crying!

~Friday~Funnies~ Top Ten things I have seen in the clouds over Tisdale

2008-07-18T17:47:00.002-06:00

I have been admiring the ... shall we say interesting? weather we have had here in
Tisdale and area lately and it is amazing when you start cloud watching
the images and likenesses you can find in them... so here are:

The Top ten things I have seen in the clouds over Tisdale:

10.A big blob of shaving cream

9.Two polar bears having a snowball fight

8. A Snowman blowing their nose in a tissue

7.The Whitehouse with milk spilled all over it

6.An albino Tiger taking a bite out of a white chocolate candy bar.

5.A Dove smoking a cigarette

4.A Mountain Goat in a wedding dress

3.Beluga whale eating a marshmallow with sour cream on top

2.A pigeon throwing up clam chowder

and the Number 1 thing I have seen in the Clouds over Tisdale:

The Pillsbury Doughboy sitting on a Toilet!

Happy Friday!

~Friday~Funnies~For December 6th - Top 10 with a bonus . . .The new NHL Coalition

2008-06-12T11:18:00.001-06:00

Wow Thank you to everyone who is using the helpdesk! With all these
helpdesk requests I am getting I think I will have to reconsider some of
the categories we use. . .

Top 10 Helpdesk Categories that we don't use but should:

10. Uninstall French Version of operating system and re-install English
version

9. My mouse needs some cheese

8. The thingy is all wonky and the doo-hickey won't hipple-flop.

7. I Just got back from my Tropical vacation and I have no idea what my
password is.

6. Computer suffering from demonic possession

5. Helpdesk not working

4. #$%^&#*

3. My k yb rd sn't w rk ng r ght

2. I have absoutely no idea!

1. Pointy Haired Boss

And now for your bonus Friday Funny . . .

Special thanks (or blame?) goes to Michael for sending me this
timely anecdote:

"Having decided that the Detroit Redwings technically won the
2008 Stanley Cup, the Pittsburgh Penguins, Philadelphia Flyers and
Dallas Stars have formed a coalition demanding a three way ownership of
the league title. Rational for their decision revolves around their
total combined scoring in the 2008 Semi-Finals, their total share of
season ticket holders versus the Detroit Redwings and their horror at
discovering the Detroit Redwings are using a more cost effective and
efficient but non-union made Silver polish to keep the Stanley Cup
gleaming.

The three teams are being assisted in their bid to overturn the
traditional results by members of the Quebec Hockey League who have no
real interest in the success of the NHL in general but sense an
opportunity to demand Zambonis and other critical equipment be
manufactured in Quebec. Player representatives, Team Owners and Nike are
expected to submit their proposals to Don Cherry in the next few days.
Fans and ticket holders are neither being asked or allowed a voice in
the final decision" The Red Wings are expected to ask Mr. Cherry to
wait to make a decision until after the All-star break.

~Friday~Funnies~Top Ten ways I plan to celebrate leaving BC

2008-06-05T09:49:00.002-06:00

Yesterday, June 5th was the 1 year anniversary of my family leaving BC. It has been quite a year (new town, new friends, new job, new house, new baby) so it's time to celebrate!! So here are my top 10 ways I plan to celebrate leaving BC:

10.Watch the 2007 Grey cup repeatedly until I am able to play the banjo and kiss my sister and cheer for the Saskatchewan Roughriders.

9. Go tie-less for the rest of the summer.

8. Move in with my in-laws for another 6 months.

7. Watch someone else eat Death by chocolate.

6.Climb Mt Tisdale 1000 times to remind me of what real mountains are like

5.Send pictures of the lovely surrounding lakes and country side to all my friends

back home with notes saying 'sucks to be you' (and then don't answer my phone

when everyone calls at the first snow fall in October).

4.I was going to paint the town red but the store only sold green paint!

3. Hit up every barbeque in town for a freebie.

2. Ride my bike to work.

1. Take a nap! (Hey with a new baby around a nap is pretty special!)

Happy Friday!

~FRIDAY~FUNNIES~For April 25 2008 Top 10 MORE things I have learned since moving to Tisdale, Saskatchewan.

2008-04-25T11:25:00.001-06:00

Tisdale is just SO educational! So here are 10 more things I have
learned since moving to Tisdale. (Special thanks to Mark, Mike, and
Michael, et al. for helping me 'remember' some of the things I have
learned.) Enjoy!

10. You only have to give the last 4 digits of your phone number for
people to call you.

9. Owning a pair of gloves, a toque, and parka are not optional -they
are survival gear.

8. Those jokes on Corner Gas are really funny when you live here.

7. Elbow, Eyebrow, Love, Amazon, Avonlea, Big Beaver, Canuck, Colgate,
Drinkwater, Earl Gray, Forget, Mozart, Reward, Smiley and are also the
names of towns

6. It's doesn't matter who it is... just smile and wave when someone
drives by.

5. Kids CAN live for more than 3 days without eating at McDonalds.

4. When you ask someone what their job is they always start with "I am
a Farmer AND..."

3. Longjohns aren't just donuts

2. When someone tells you their house is the "first left after the bend
in the road" they aren't joking.

1. Don't tell people back home that you live in "The Land of Rape and
Honey".

~FRIDAY~FUNNIES~for April 11 2008 Top 10 things I have learned since moving to Tisdale, Saskatchewan.

2008-04-11T06:00:00.002-06:00

Moving here has been a wonderful experience and I love it so much I feel
comfortable enough to poke a little fun at my new home. Enjoy!

Top 10 Things I have learned since moving to Tisdale, Saskatchewan from Vancouver area, BC.

10 - When you see a red diamond flag on the side of the highway. SLOW
DOWN!

9 - When someone talks about 'baling' it's not because their basement is
flooded.

8 - A pride parade in Saskatchewan is about the Roughriders.

7 - There are only two seasons in Tisdale: this winter and last winter.

6 - When it comes to music, Saskatchewan has both kinds: Country and
Western.

5 - When some one says my other car they mean their snowmobile (or
quad).

4 - A "quarter section" is not a big slice of pie.

3 - An elevator is for storing grain in not for moving between floors in
a building.

2 - Those jokes that you can watch your dog run away for 3 days aren't
really true - it's 4 days!

1 - Snow is a four letter word!

~Friday~Funnies~Top Ten things you never want to hear from Tech Support

2008-03-21T15:30:00.001-06:00

10.What do you mean that wasn't a copy?

9. Is that smoke coming from your computer?

8. Well, at least it's doing SOMETHING...

7. Oh S*****!!!!

6. Oh yes, I remember the last time I saw this... ...Run for your lives!!!!

5. I wonder what would happen if I do this...

4. I could fix this but it's gonna cost you...

3. Our Father, who art in heaven, help me fix this computer...

2. Gee it worked last time I did that...

1. Hold on a sec, I am gonna get the Pointy Haired Boss' help with this.

Happy Friday!